Cheer Up

A treacherous sport for a girl

What did athletic girls do, before Title IX was signed into law on June 23, 1972? When girls’ sports were limited or non-existent in schools? Why, cheerleading of course.

History lesson. Around 1869, at a Princeton vs Rutgers football game, allegedly to imitate the sound of fireworks, the crowd chanted, “Sis-boom-bah!” That was so catchy, the idea of organized cheering took off. Chances are those Ivy League kids weren’t cheering the end of slavery. Oops, off topic.

At that time, cheerleading was for men only, natch. But in 1923, at the University of Minnesota (Go Gophers!) women were allowed to be cheerleaders. Finally in the 1940s, as men were drafted and sent off to war, women made the sport their own.

Shocking, it didn’t take long for cheerleaders to become sexualized objects of fantasy in B movies and porn: the all-American girl next door who’s secretly naughty. That old chestnut.

In 1974, Seventeen magazine ads portrayed cheerleaders as literally cartoonish, doomed, sorrowful blond creatures whose public lives were disrupted by the horrors of menstruation.

Bonus, a free sample in case you’re too mortified to face your drugstore clerk in person. Despite the inherent threat of not being physically up to the task, cheerleading was still the dream of countless high school girls, and advertisers knew it.

Ok, you can hide the secret curse, but not so fast. You probably have acne too, ya loser.

Ice-o-Derm? Perfect name for goo that fights off “stagnant oils that make a breeding ground for the ugly pimple germ.” Such visceral images! Methinks this copywriter hated women. No one wants a stagnant germ-riddled cheerleader around.

Maybe you’ve escaped acne, but you aren’t safe by any means. Dandruff lurks. Ewwwww.

Never, ever scratch your head. Even if you have poison ivy. Even if you’re trying to solve that tricky math problem, and math is hard for girls. The boys will think you have dandruff and you may never get that date. NEVER! And who could possibly want anything other than a date? Never mind that “studies” show 9 out of 10 people have the scourge of a dry scalp, yours has gotta be the worst.

Cheerleaders, the epitome of eternal youth and vitality. Check it out.

The impostor is an ancient 32-year-old housewife, Mrs. Dina Gardner of Pasadena, California. I bet old lady Gardner whipped her Ivory liquid with her hand-held mixer, just because she could. M stands for misleading.

What to do when you age out of cheerleading? Become a stewardess. It’s a natural progression. Be like Anne Jacobs from Auburn University! She gets a kick out of helping others.

So, here’s your message from Madison Ave, teen girls: No matter how hard you try, as a girl, you’re never out of the woods, not by a long shot. Even if you’re a cheerleader.

So keep buying those products. One of them will be the magic fix that makes you perfect. Nighty, night, sweet dreams. Beauty sleep is crucial, you know.

So, what’s your history with cheerleading? I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

Oh, just one more thing.

I’m proud to be part of the Iowa Writers Collaborative. Click the link to read the work of my fellow writers, all with Iowa connections. We provide content for free, with paid subscription options. When you subscribe, the variety of topics and voices will add spice to your daily reading, I promise. Thank you!